Nimetön

Sinä istutit minuun sen

mikä nyt pyrkii ulos

Kaunan kehoani kohtaan

tunnottomat raajat ja

irtautuneen mielen

Sinä työnsit minut reunalle

jolla olen seissyt

odottaen putoamista

Peläten ja kaivaten

tyhjää vapautta

Halu repiä itseni kappaleiksi

ja halu satuttaa sinua

voisivat olla yhtä suuret

niin kai tulisi ajatella

Tahtoisin sitä itsekin

Mutta edelleen minun kehoni on se

joka kantaa kaikki ne muistot

vaikka en enää muista

miltä tunnuit, miltä kuulostit

kaiken sen valkoisen kohinan keskellä

Hellebores

Starry night is leaking

through my window

water drops pouring into

this old cemetery

Night after night

I paint myself anew

because I want this

still life to resemble

something worth looking at

Please bring hellebores

to my grave

Someone else

love was meant to

heal us

it was meant to

break us

so our skin would crack

our bones break

and souls seek mending

from somewhere else

someone else

Dawn

Early mornings with orange light

and dust dancing in the room

like sepia filter on an old photograph

Two vintage souls

in knots

body parts resting tangled and still

Eyelashes tremble

as dreams fade into reality

and the sun reminds the world

that the night doesn't last forever

Chemicals

I bathe in serotonin

to fit your mould

Breathe in dopamine

from these tanks

I'm swimming in

I'm refusing to drown

in the silence you created

Waiting

as the clock ticks away

our sacred tomorrow

I long to be

full

Translate my thoughts

I write the same words over and over again

trying to find their right places

the perfect lines

But I don't know how to describe it all

how to convey the meaning of these verses

I'm losing my language

speaking empty sentences to deaf ears

just hoping someone knows how to

translate my thoughts

Haihdun henkäys kerrallaan

Haihdun henkäys kerrallaan

katoan savuna, savuavana sumuna

harmaana haaveena

En löydä itseäni, en voi

koskettaa sisintäni

Abstrakti, aineeton olemus

pitää minut loitolla itsestäni

Kintsugi

When I try to pull you closer

You slip through my cracks

You wanted to mend me

Like the art of repairing what is broken

with golden seams

But the gold leaked

out of place

disappearing into the ground

You are too valuable

to spend it all on me

I just want to fly

I hear those vultures closing in

sensing my will

eager thoughts of confrontation

I just want to fly

I don't care how and where

I need the freedom

Air beneath me

Shred me or

swallow me whole

for I am the prey they need

And I want to be

Koti-ikävä

En ole oma itseni
Minut on puserrettu
muotin läpi
rikottu ja kasattu ehjäksi
raavittu kasaan kengänpohjista
joiden askeleet
veivät liian kauaksi kotoa

The inevitable crash

I am not in control anymore

I'm losing these clouds I gathered

the clouds that are supposed to

make this wreck, this crashing plane

land softly

I plant flowers in jars and

behind my eyes,

hoping this speed that is

making my eyes tear up

would water them

make them bloom

I need all the beauty

I can get

for these flashing lights

scare me to death

I want to sit back and

let my world burn so bright

I can lit up the sky

with this flame inside my chest

my black box

Will anyone hear the s.o.s?

Should I scream louder,

fall faster?

I sprinkle these petals

like stars

flickering hope

because it's all I have left

Night sky

My sky looks the same at night

as it does during the day;

when the sun has just set

and the darkness flows

towards everything it wants to own

The comforting weight

of the dim air pushes

through our thoughts

I don't need sunrises

to paint the sky

with bruised colours

nor do I need the light

to find myself

I need this silence

the dusk brings us

It is the only thing

my mind can grasp

Heartsease

Cemeteries with wild flowers

smiling like the queens of it all

conquering man-made stones

Words written on disappearing pages

don't mean much anymore

The candles were burnt out

long before the new life started

And the memories which faded

can now reach a new light

as the blooming beauty picks up

the remains of life

Covers

I lay nude in these words

these pages

that try to cover my scars

I wrap them around me

in the hopes of you

concentrating on the art

rather than finding the real me

A paradox which can

leave us both speechless

When you see

the truth in the poetry

you can see right through me

My truths are disorted

My truths are distorted

I've come to learn

that night whispers

in inverted ways

Paints the nightmares

out of flowers and

delusions out of stars

It took the moribund time

and darkening days

to see the falsehood of it all

Now I'm grasping to

each passing second

all the familiar flickers or light

so I can find my way

through endless labyrinths

of the lies I've created for myself

Hukun

Juon sen kaiken

jos saan tämän tulen

sisälläni sammumaan

Juon meren

sen aallot

siihen heijastuvat tähdet

Juon sen kuin viinin

jotta voin humaltua

sen suuruudesta

ja unohtaa

sisälläni huutavan poltteen

Monsters

Did I bring this madness

this sad theory of everything

onto myself, by myself?

Did I create the monsters

just to have company

in the darkness?

I played with them

from such a young age

that I grew to love them

Now I can't let them go

and be alone again

not again

Unraveling

You made me smile

and that makes me want to

rip myself to pieces

I refuse to long for something

that never even existed

I am on the mercy of these flashbacks

of your heart beating against mine

They pull my heart

like they want to unravel all of it

just for the sake of never looking back

It is easier to forget than remember

Se on valhe

Määrittelen sietokykyni uudelleen

taivutan sen muodostelmaksi

ajatusvirheitä ja eleganssia

Uskottelen jaksavani koko maailman

Kaipaus

Sinun tuoksusi

vaniljaa ja inkivääriä

kietoutuneena tyynyliinani ympärille

Teemukisi edelleen tiskialtaassa

varjosi keittiössä

Kaipaan painoasi päälläni

sitä kuinka voin

kierähtää vierellesi

sielumme toisiaan vasten

alastomina kuin ensimmäistä kertaa

Odotan vain

että voin taas suudella hymyäsi

jotta se tarttuu minuunkin

Kadota minut

Haluan kadota kosketukseesi

kuunnella kuinka kätesi

määrittävät olemassaoloni

piirtävät minut eläväksi

Vajoan allasi

olen mitä vain haluat

Voit maalata minut

niin monin värein

kuin silmäsi tahtovat

kunhan et jätä palaakaan

minusta esiin

Anna minun murtua

painoni alla

uudelleen ja uudelleen

jotta sinun olisi helpompi hengittää

Hide

Undone, unreleased

nothing holding you

but the dreams

you won't let go

Past is easier

than facing the world

that has the power

to hurt us more

Ghost in you

I fell in love with the ghost in you

the ghost of me, in you

the ghost that lightened up the nights

filled with shattered truths

I seemed to believe in the paranormal

in the ordinary thoughts and

day to day life

But in reality ghosts don't exist

Luontoni

Olen tämän kuplan sisällä

sen herra

Toisinaan rauhallinen ulkokuori

luo turvaa

Uskallan kääntää selkäni tyhjyydelle

Annan sen levitä iholleni

pysäyttää ajatukseni

hidastaa sykkeeni

Suljen silmäni

ja putoan onnen läpi

siihen pehmoiseen syliin

jonka olen koonnut kasaan

niistä hymyilevistä muistoista

joihin takerrun

Olen tässä

Olen

Hengitän

Pysähdyn

Vaikka kuori säröilee

luo varjoja

jotka matelevat kuin käärmeet

läpi tanssilattian

annan ilman virrata keuhkoihini

Kun olen tarpeeksi vahva

avaan silmäni

laulan käärmeet tainnuksiin

hypnotisoin itsenikin

Teen mitä vain säilyttääkseni

tämän alttarin jonka olen luonut

Sillä joskus pilvet löytävät

tämänkin paikan

Kuplani pinta väreilee

kuin myrskyn edellä

Voin maalata ympärilleni

kauneimmat kuvitelmat

mutta säätä en voi hallita

En voi käskeä ilmaa pysähtymään

sillä minun pitää hengittää

Täyttää itseni uudella tuulella

Annan salamoiden valaista mieleni

tummien pilvien luoda pimeän yön

jonka turvin voin päästää irti

minuun tarttuneet takiaiset

Voin sulkea silmäni

antaa sateen kastella luomeni

Ja kun herään

tiedän

että voin antaa luontoni elää

Kovettunut

Pinta kuin pumpulia

pehmeää illuusiota

Raavi syvemmälle

ihon alle

Kaiva esiin luuranko

ja sen salaisuudet

Murra luut ja löydät kaiken

Ne likaiset verisuonet

Mustuneen ytimen

Taivaan värit

Kun kohtasimme

taivas valui kirkkaana syliimme

Uimme sateessa

pisaroiden varjossa

Ajatuksissamme myrskypilvet

hymyilevät

heittäessään ilotulituksia päällemme

Summer

She used to dislike summer. The heat and stickiness, the blazing sun and forced happiness. Even the bright nights which lasted forever and held her in the sweet bliss of relaxation, were not enough to make her love summer. She had forgotten the serenity of it during those months and years she walked alone.

She didn't like summer until his hand found hers. When the sleepless nights turned into adventures of skinny dipping in the dark and melting ice cream dripping on their fingers. How their bodies found each other in the cool air on the balcony, when it was the only place to sleep in without the heat catching them.

As autumn and winter arrived, leaving no room for the flowers to bloom and too much darkness for one mind to handle, the memories held her up. Memories of walks around the pond, picnics spent running away from bees, movie marathons on rainy days and sweet lemonade kisses. They could hold on to all the little pieces of warmth as they watched the snow slowly falling, surviving through winter together.

Every sign of spring sparks a new memory of the sun. With every melting pile of snow and every degree rising towards the sky, she could feel her happiness, her joy wake up again. Feeling the grass under her shoes after so many months of snow, she realised how much she missed summer.

She had found her favourite season in him.

What ifs

What if I'm not what you see?

What if I'm too irrational

silly, depressed

much and little?

What if I can't be enough?

And you fall

and break yourself

in the pieces

I've left behind

What if I am always the reason

you are unhappy

missing something

Because you thought you

found it all in us

but I can't play my part

Kestäthän?

Tahdon olla oikea

sopiva

tarpeeksi

juuri se

mistä näet unta

Haluan olla olemassa

antaa

auttaa

ja uskoa meihin

Ollakseni oikeassa

minun on kai vain

antauduttava

ja luottaa siihen

että sinä kestät

Numb

I'm numb

falling through meaningless days

trying

pretending to feel

I tell I know what love feels like

I smile when I'm supposed to

I fake sadness when the rain catches us

Inside all this play

I put on every day

I stare at the sky

blankly

waiting for the moon

Panic room

I am my own panic room

locked inside

these four walls

safe and sound

or stuck in memories

Perfectly horrible mix

of both

Motionless

I long to be the rain

that falls through grey skies

I reflect myself

in the clouds

read star signs

like it is the truth

of my existence

But I fall

nonetheless

I fall

and it is the only thing

that keeps me in motion

Vaihtokauppa

Sinä poimit muruseni

ripottelit ne takaisin

oikeille paikoilleen

Annoit ja otit

vaihtokauppaa parhaimmillaan

Minusta, yhdestä ja niin monesta

kokosit taas ihmisen

joka hengittää

Hymyilen, sillä tiedät

kuinka tehdä kauppaa